Life never ceases to amaze me with it's ups and downs and mysterious ways of opening and closing doors, just when everything seems to be headed in the right direction. Ahem... today of all days is my 45th Birthday and also the significant ultrasound which would detect life inside of my womb at 6 weeks. I knew this was a miracle indeed that I was pregnant again (sperm donor) although I didn't require invitro, I had just begun taking progesterone to even out my hormonal imbalances two months before finding out I was preggers again. The last time I repeated this same history was exactly 3 years ago with the same result. I felt a peace and serenity cloaked around me these past 6 weeks and kept this little secret from everyone, since I knew the first 2 trimesters were the most serious as far as taking all precautions to rest (which I couldn't do because I was going to be a single-working-mom) and to avoid all stress, which I did to most degrees, but which is virtually impossible when you are doing everything, all the time without help from the father-to-be or anyone else. Self-reliance 100% baby! Boy do I respect single moms who work and basically provide while serving the needs of a newborn. Their faith and dedication kept me going up until my power-yoga class this morning. Surrender was the theme I chose to base our mantra on and i based my teaching on the words of Osho from The Way of the White Clouds. Excerpts from January 23:
- So surrender is the greatest and deepest relationship-and the end of relationship also. If you surrender you have come to the deepest relationship that is possible. Beyond that, relationship disappears. Surrendered you are no more;and the master has never been there. Two empty spaces cannot be two. You cannot draw a line between two empty spaces. You cannot make boundaries around emptiness. Two emptinesses become one, and relationship cannot exist-because for relationship two are needed.
Not to get too visceral, I felt liquid or blood leaving my womb during class and after relaxing in corpse pose, I ran to the bathroom and knew the inevitable was happening. I was having a miscarriage although the blood flow was bright red and not brown (acceptable during pregnancy) I borrowed a sanitary napkin and put my game face on so I could still train my clients and made an emergency apt with my gyno for 2:00. I arrived at my apt and was let in at 2:30- I was very anxious to get the tube inside of me and look at the monitor to see if my birthday was bringing me life or death. The doctor looked at the little sac and it had collapsed- there was absolutely no growth from the previous week- due to chromosomal abnormalities in our genetic coding. "Natural selection and nature protecting itself," she lamented. Perhaps my age has something to do with it as well I am thinking. I cried my tears of pain and then cancelled my next personal training apt as I did NOT want to explaining what had just transpired to my next client whilst crying the entire time. So this is my 45th B-day and I chose the photo because I really hoped for a baby boy I would call Zephyr (the west wind or victory "Zaphir" according to Arabs.) This crystal orb is just out of his grasp as my calling to be a mother to this non-creation is to me. I am saddened but life goes on inside of me and so I am surrendering once again. (The happened to me exactly 3 years ago but the embryo didn't have a heartbeat at 6 weeks.)
